My 5 most comforting 'reality TV' choices

War? Monkeypox? Rising inflation? World’s gone to hell in a handbag. Don’t worry though- here’s some comforting reality tv watches to take your mind off it all.

The Highland vet

Look, the most traumatic thing that will happen here is an old lady’s chihuahua dying. And to be honest, to me that *is* actually very traumatic, but it’s not as though this is a British soap, where an aeroplane might crash into the practice car park one Tuesday evening and obliterate all the staff, turning them all into nothing more than a pile of smouldering human remains. It’s a documentary, but they’ve heavily edited, so there’s no disguised vox pops that drift disturbingly into poverty and heroin; all the featured owners get cute buses across idyllic countryside vistas with their repaired pets to something akin to ‘Balamory’. Especially delightful for a Londoner to see a Range Rover driven by a farmer in it’s natural habitat, not parked cack handedly in Notting Hill. None of the Nans swear. Sadly.

The Antiques Roadshow

If this incredibly British programme was a slice of cake, it would be a cherry bakewell. Ahhh. Who doesn’t like those? I don’t crave them (obviously, I’m only 41. I crave 10p Freddos and the halcyon days when David Mellor shagging in a football kit was considered a political scandal) but who would say no? washed down with a lovely cup of tea. Do you know the only thing that could improve this quaint and comfy watch? The odd bit of swearing. Imagine if that sweet Grandad, stood outside a National Trust property, upon being told by an expert in tweed that the carriage clock he fancifully bought at that dodgy car boot in Scunthorpe in 1975 was actually worth £20 bags, went “fucking HELL!” …See what I mean? Exactly.

Below Deck

This veritable many headed gorgon of cheap delight tells the tale of luxury yachting crews and their gauche, gross patrons (like…no way! Really? *insert eyeroll*) over a season. Caribbean? Mediterranean? Pre covid or post covid seasons? Dramatic music and pre ad break set-ups? Doesn’t matter. *Nothing ever happens* other than: patrons being dicks, the crews scrapping and shagging, occasionally someone gets fired and very occasionally someone’s spenny boat takes a wee beating. You can quickly safely over invest in everyone’s lives and discuss the flagrant misuse of employment guidelines and conduct. Shoutout to my forever series love; Former marine bosun Kelly. The girls (including a Brit who looked like a sweet Disney mouse) mystifyingly didn’t fancy him, despite the face, the body, the military heroism, emotional complexity and protective tendencies and dexterity with a stripper pole after 8 tequilas. Call me, Kelly!

Gogglebox

God, how I wish I’d thought of this. I feel similarly about zips and tipex. So simple. So brilliant. A wide demographic of normal but loveable folks watch current telly and *you* watch *them* collectively watching it. Genius. Sometimes they even watch stuff I’m on the fence about being potentially shit or stressful and bingo! They did the hard yards. Moments of humour and deep pathos abound as you share some sitting rooms with well, folks just like you. Easy to become very attached to some of the couples and families, so much so, they feel a tiny bit like your family. Familiarity, warmth…. A televisual hug with occasionally profound moments. Bliss.

SAS - Who Dares Wins

Coming as these shows do in ‘celebrity’ or ‘normal’ editions, non military folks are, with the help of an expert former military team, put through an expedited version of British Military elite training. The results are filmed as week by week, participants either ‘VW’ (‘voluntary withdrawal) or are de-selected by Jason ‘Foxy’ Fox, Ant Middleton, Shaun Dooley and Matthew ‘Olly’ Ollerton. I mention Foxy as he’s my favourite; dry as a bone, quite sarcastic, affable, most likely to say “He’s a liability… but I like ‘im”. The training is, as you might imagine, by turns physically and mentally torturous. Despite the obvious potential for it to feel sadistic and voyeuristic, it strangely doesn’t, largely due to the obvious desire and pride the experts feel and their desire for the participants to unlock and achieve their potential. The stories of each participant, explored in ‘interrogation’ interviews are touching, shocking and deeply emotional. This programme is a very tight, slightly too aggressive hug. Like the sort you used to give to your little Brother that made him shout “Muuuuum!”.